the only thing i have ever hated:

My insomnia. 

passionately. 

http://kalman.blogs.nytimes.com/2009/05/28/at-ease/?em

i don't know i don't know i don't know 

Ontario in May

Toronto was floating and inverted yesterday:

and tonight, pristine calmness and pure clarity:

i went for a kayak ride along the shores, treasure hunting mercilessly at transparent depths. I could have continued on to the St. Lawrence, transfixed by surrounding beauty. Everything was so perfect. I'm looking forward to sustainable water temperatures and complete extended emersions. 

only wish: my girls were here to share this <38.

current praises: Steinbeck-Pastures of Heaven; Kipling-The Jungle Book

not so much: Edith Wharton-Summer

yournewgirlfriendlookslikeaT-rex

me:

swollen nose 

blacker circles

and

freshly cut little girl bangs

just to hide behind

fuck

you broke my heart 

it refuses to heal

fuck 

i still can't tell 

if this is real

I smelled summer in the air today, fresh as ever, with a hint of lilac. The light touches everything here so perfectly ((and i'm still scared of the dark)).

'Welcome home.'

waves roll in

"I missed you."

        and out again. 

'I'm sorry about the raft.'

        breathe deep 

"I'm [almost] over it."

exhale, release. 

it was really goodbye last time

wasn't it?

it is really goodbye this time 

isn't it?

fade from same                     enter change.

the vending machine rejected my dimes.

I'm in perfect focus

until it's all over...and then...

i don't want to revel in my youth 

I haven't grown up these years 

do you think you didn't too?

dreams are made of these

I hope Obama appoints a black lesbian (and Texas decides to join Mexico in revolt). 

tristeavril94 (9:13:10 PM): maybe the snow secretly gave me a lobotomy as it fell last night 

Zup931 (9:13:42 PM): probably, snow is tricky like that

last day of class

12.59 am. 

i come home,

reach into my bag for a lighter 

and i pull out a berry pie. 

story of my life.

 

sinus infection//fucking reflection

i'm making myself sick, i can feel it start in the back of my throat. phlegm: white then yellow. fade to green as you pretend the healing will be a clean ordeal. 

nostalgic for the days when i could at least feign not caring. now i don't even pretend this numeric-based system isn't my way to make up for all past, present, soon to occur failures. except right now i can feel my teeth rotting away from the roots, drip. drip. yellow to green, please heal. please let me do anything but feel.