make me smile for a while

incoherencies

between you

and me

i go to bed with wet hair

it allows the cold

to soak through to my bones

i'm not sure, i never was. it's so hard to grasp things i don't understand

relationships and

longings and

letting goes.

i've needed to cry for the last while but my body won't let me, it can't because i know i'm happy and i know i'm stronger than that. i'm scared something will trigger it and this verge of water will overflow in an embarrassing and weak moment.

sometimes it's fine, great really, happy truly. but there is still this hole that you left in my heart and it's wrecking my head.

it rained here for the first time last night

drip

drop on the fire escape

regret, remorse, reform,

I've tried so many times before to not let you back in.

You're the storm on my horizon, with my sails pulled tight. you're the breeze that can't be held.

Sad, betrayed, discarded.

Left out in the rain, embracing the soil. Hoping for a better growing season next year.

"...I like too many things and get all confused and hung-up running from one falling star to another till I drop. This is the night, what it does to you. I had nothing to offer anybody except my own confusion."

my copy. hello life----------->>>>----->

"Great laughter rang from all sides. I wondered what the Spirit of the Mountain was thinking, and looked up and saw jackpines in the moon, and saw ghosts of old miners, and wondered about it. In the whole eastern dark wall of Divide this night there was silence and the whisper of the wind, except in the ravine where we roared; and on the other side of the Divide was the great Western Slope, and the big plateau that went to Steamboat Springs, and dropped, and led you to the Eastern Colorado desert and the Utah desert; all in darkness now as we fumed and screamed in our mountain nook, mad drunken Americans in the mighty land. We were on the roof of America and all we could do was yell, I guess--across the night, eastward over the Plains, where somewhere an old man with white hair was probably walking toward us with the Word, and would arrive any minute and make us silent."

a lot spinning through my head, particularly lately, almost always. i'm exhausted tonight, tired with excitement and nerves and mountains that get built up to be travelled over and running down the steep side with a sense of accomplishment..

..goodbye sweet summer with your flirtations and endless bike rides, your heavy humidity and warm sun on my thighs. The north breeze screams of red leaves and change is in the air...