I found a tree, sticking out on a hill the way they bend and grow and groove towards the water. It was created for me. Mother placed it right there with a little stub on its left side so that my body fit perfectly in its crevice, engulfed by all matter of comfort, up against its bark, its smoothness touching my face, caressing my every curve of body, keeping me covered and warm in a soft, understanding embrace. 

Nature high and drunk. 

..........

Taking in every sight and sound and step following the water, ever the perfect tour guide to sereneness. Then a fall. I sat and watched and laughed and laughed and felt a little dizzy and crazy and completely, utterly Whole. Watching the power ever flow with the spring thaw, half frozen, half manic as it dropped down, down, down. I felt so up.  It was breath.taking I needed a moment, to recollect my own as I felt my heart beat out of control.

jph1985 (11:31:25 AM): you often feel disconnected don't you, you like "Tequila" by sublime

tristeavril94 (11:31:36 AM): i don't know what that means 

jph1985 (11:31:39 AM): so what inspired your poem

tristeavril94 (11:32:50 AM): cigarettes

jph1985 (11:33:00 AM): truely?

tristeavril94 (11:33:15 AM): no

so much's not

so much snot 

i think i'm allergic to my own life 

I'm having a hard time realizing what just happened. 

I'm sure I'll be harping on it in a few days. 

But tonight.

And Nothing went how I thought. 

I don't know what I thought. 

Holy shakes.

I have enough dishes in my room to start a kitchen. 

I'll get a stove installed next week. 

au.ton.o.my

1: the quality or state of being self-governing ; especially : the right of self-government

2: self-directing freedom and especially moral independence

every time i forget

i buy my jeans 

tighter and tighter 

pretty soon they are 

going to have to call 

the fire department 

with the jaws of life 

just to remind me 

what it's all about 

history. his.story

delete. delete. 

repeat. repeat. 

Do you ever find yourself getting caught up in something so insignificant but with potential for so much hidden meaning it's surreal? And then the over-analization of analyzing begins and the ever-encompassing spiral of questions occurs. Then a tattoo. and an impulsive piercing. and a mohawk. But the other things turn out to have at least of little bit of significance now that you have a clear head (without much hair). 

We lost the raft.

She's given me so much, 

I guess we all need to be selfish sometimes. 

I was in a weird place. 

Sitting in class but I felt so far away, from the discourse, the scene, the information being overwhelmingly spewed into my brain. A Professor's ability to actually make me think on my own, create theory. develop pure mental chaos swirling at uncontrollable rates capable of breaking the speed barrier (or at least my ability to sit still) 

and then I was just somewhere else. encumbered by a feeling of complete and unreserved inadequacy. physically, mentally. but that's not me. that's not what I do. and I panicked, why was I feeling like that? It was because of someone else. But no one else should make you feel so sparse, more undesirable than I ever had in my life. I think I realize that, but it didn't make it go away. 

I'm twenty-one without a regret, 

but you're sure as hell the closest I've come yet. 

I find you traipsing through my thoughts lately.

I'm undecided on what course of action to take. 

Do I let you wander for a while? Blissfully idling my time away in Mass Media recounting a long past rope swing endeavor. 

Or do I vehemently shove you out? Not even letting the good prevail (just) incase the fatal return.

I need to remember to take it easy on myself,

after all, it could just be that

this was the first Valentine's day in eight years

you weren't My knight in shining armour.

curing my heavy heart 

hoping these drinks

straight quick mix

to a lighter head 

I made a valentine's card for David,

it brought a grumbled smile. 

All I really wanted to do was rip that disease right out of his body. 

Tear it cell.by.fucking.cell.  away from everything it has stolen.

Throw it in the spring thaw,

wake up the ignorant bliss of suburban landscape

with their drainage ditch 'waterfrontage' CRISES. 

((Maybe next time Open Your Eyes and don't build your house in a fucking swamp.)) 

Throw it in the innocent's mud

Create the immunity of a child built up by playing in the dirt. 

Let it distill as it dries up in the approaching sun.

 

but There is Nothing left except a card 

and useless screamsandtears over how much I wish I could help him. 

yet the answer is So obvious. 

Someone just needs to make sense of 

how helpless this society is. 

i found underwear at the bottom of my jeans yesterday 

after already attending two classes

and walking into a door in front of a boy. 

poetic embarrassment  

and just happy 

to remember universal humour...

how naturally that makes Everything seem okay. 

tell me what I wanna hear

Eyelashes that grow with the swish of a brush 

and exponentially long legs 

Juxtaposed 

with 

These chipped nails 

and bruised thighs

I want to know everything about you.