happy holidaze

((still standing))

Merry Christmas & I love you!

bitten.

it's back, let's go.

soccer&hockey lately. bruised ribs and blue legs. and it's all i want to do.

smiling

hamofdoom (11:06:44 PM): I want to wake up in your picturesque apartment and sit at the table by the window, watching coffee steam fog the view.

tristeavril94 (11:07:13 PM): that's beautiful Notes

hamofdoom (11:07:25 PM): you're beautiful Funk

liar.

she drips tears but doesn't cry

silent vibrations working through her eyes

strange noises tonight

47minutes in darkness is infinitely different than 47minutes in lightness

please let me sleep it's christmas time

so disappointed lately

were we setting ourselves up? hoisting the hopes of a nation on a presidential candidate's shoulders? but then the impossible...seemingly...happened. and he won. black, young, smooth as hell and all. and tears flowed and hope hovered. but eleven months in and it's things back to normal. no upset of the status quo and Krugman says you're listening to all the wrong assholes.

and so

i'm stuck looking for more schools in canada

tomorrow!tonight!

i always get so nervous going into these things, like i am going to act or show some kind of inner idiot, give myself away for not belonging. but where? this is where my heart is. dear head, hurry the fuck up and follow suit.

also. first snowstorm of the season. and i loved.every.moment.

so it begins.

I've never gotten used to being home without you here.

the holiday lights are out and shining bright, up around home, up here, everywhere i suppose.

my favorite is when it's just dusk and the christmas lights are on but you can still make out the colour of the cabbage and the way it is the same as The lake somedays with the dusty blueblack sky in the background.

if you look real close you might even see a dancing christmas tree....

what a beautiful day today was! what a beautiful day it is always lately!

..."

I vote we have x-country skiing adventures at the first opportunity. Perhaps you might consider investing in shoes of the same size however. Just a thought.

Love, Mel

P.S. I thoroughly enjoyed the poetic nature of your writing, especially 'I'm excited for the holidays to begin, for the snow to fall and cover all the tracks of the last year.' (though it does have hints of sadness-but then that's what wins oscars hey?) You can support me in my old age with the money you make selling your award on the black market. No, nevermind you'll donate it. God, learn some capitalist values, I need to eat!"

Dying.

He says,

"We're a trainwreck. I can't wait til you're in my arms."

and so,
we're perfectly incomplete

herro wittle birdie

it's been forever already

overcaffeinated&underprepared
i hope i get in anywhere [in canada]

the dried branches of exaltation
red leaves caught on the spider's web
but
don't let your toes touch the water's edge

oh,

i just found

the map of the world with YOUANDME on it

novembre, je t'aime

empty roads and bare trees

ill give you my heart but only to hold

and

i can't fucking wait for the bitter cold

also

my apartment needs more food and less mice

my shoelaces are tied together,

i'm falling everywhere!

a little nervous

for you

Hearts turned into

open chambers

I feel it

beat

at the sound of your voice

and

when I step out of the shower to reach for a towel

dripping wet

a smile crosses my lips (always)

as you cross my mind

hello reality, so nice of you to keep it real.

i fall in love

with

this city more and moreandmore every day.

We visited the abandoned subway, our dose of reality, up close and personal with the city's homeless. USA 2009 edition complete with carpets and cardboard walls. It was heartily sickening and completely motivational. It reminded me why I'm doing what I am, what I hope to.

I swear I could feel the city breathing from underneath, from inside. it's abandoned walls; splintered. fractures holding together its own pulse.

A veiled beat every time I walk down these beautiful streets.

make me smile for a while

incoherencies

between you

and me

i go to bed with wet hair

it allows the cold

to soak through to my bones

i'm not sure, i never was. it's so hard to grasp things i don't understand

relationships and

longings and

letting goes.

i've needed to cry for the last while but my body won't let me, it can't because i know i'm happy and i know i'm stronger than that. i'm scared something will trigger it and this verge of water will overflow in an embarrassing and weak moment.

sometimes it's fine, great really, happy truly. but there is still this hole that you left in my heart and it's wrecking my head.

it rained here for the first time last night

drip

drop on the fire escape

regret, remorse, reform,

I've tried so many times before to not let you back in.

You're the storm on my horizon, with my sails pulled tight. you're the breeze that can't be held.

Sad, betrayed, discarded.

Left out in the rain, embracing the soil. Hoping for a better growing season next year.

"...I like too many things and get all confused and hung-up running from one falling star to another till I drop. This is the night, what it does to you. I had nothing to offer anybody except my own confusion."

my copy. hello life----------->>>>----->

"Great laughter rang from all sides. I wondered what the Spirit of the Mountain was thinking, and looked up and saw jackpines in the moon, and saw ghosts of old miners, and wondered about it. In the whole eastern dark wall of Divide this night there was silence and the whisper of the wind, except in the ravine where we roared; and on the other side of the Divide was the great Western Slope, and the big plateau that went to Steamboat Springs, and dropped, and led you to the Eastern Colorado desert and the Utah desert; all in darkness now as we fumed and screamed in our mountain nook, mad drunken Americans in the mighty land. We were on the roof of America and all we could do was yell, I guess--across the night, eastward over the Plains, where somewhere an old man with white hair was probably walking toward us with the Word, and would arrive any minute and make us silent."

a lot spinning through my head, particularly lately, almost always. i'm exhausted tonight, tired with excitement and nerves and mountains that get built up to be travelled over and running down the steep side with a sense of accomplishment..

..goodbye sweet summer with your flirtations and endless bike rides, your heavy humidity and warm sun on my thighs. The north breeze screams of red leaves and change is in the air...

inside all of us

wanderlust

watched Fight Club tonight

anxious for life

back to not sleeping.

Idealism.

My hero growing up.

"The state of a family's health should not depend on the state of a family's wealth."

You will be missed. Now, more than ever.

True love only comes in blonde

this is not for you

a lot came back

'I still remember'

a lot of sad now, but so much good too.

'why don't you, don't you'

'this is not for you'

the tears kept my cheeks cool the first few songs . it was something like heaven.

Do you always want to be someplace you're not?

Me,

I like it right here.

right now,

it's beautiful.

drowning in uuu (10:07:56 PM): and the whole time it was so hard to eat bc i thought i was going to throw up

drowning in uuu (10:08:09 PM): and i didn't know what to do with myself

drowning in uuu (10:11:35 PM): then i heard a phenomenal array of songs on the ride home and i realized i felt really good

Today [inchronologicalorder]:

sailing

jet-skiing

wakeboarding

biking

heartbreak.

obsession and it's so hot lately i'm sweating just sitting here

summer arrived at last but you're still missing from my life

bonfires and midnight swims in steel blue beneath a chill moon

i've got seaweed stuck in my suit

and no place to go from here

this game [th]is life

90 minutes is all i need to remember me

my first undefeated season, and it's all over now

go to sleep, Stupid. he doesn't love you anymore.

very pretty things

there were flowers

the sun!

the clouds!

she gives it all away with her eyes. i don't want you to go

i'm trying.

Try Harder.

LET GO.

bat your lashes and read in reverse.

bukowski bingeing

i could be a record

break the needle

let me slip out of place

for just this once, i need this night.

but when you don't feel alone are you just lying to yourself?

rerun and let that record slip doll

bones and stones

throw me to the dog

i only sink twice and

i always hope for voicemail

click.

these bad dreams are killing me. 

i have a sprained ankle and mononucleosis of the heart and what appears to be some terrible karma [so much for soccer salvation]

also, there was a mouse in the tub today.

we named him Raphael 

Mais,

esprit de l'escalier 

i just want you to know, i miss you like Hell

Zup931 (8:32:22 PM): though i saw a spain/south africa soccer game today and wanted to see spain

Zup931 (8:32:32 PM): and return to south africa

Zup931 (8:32:43 PM): and spin around three times and end up in a land with munchkins

Zup931 (8:33:02 PM): good thing i'm in graduate school

some day

there are colors in my head i haven't figured out how to paint out yet 

i can't even explain how much tonight hurt 

holy fucking pain

"You will hear thunder and remember me, and think; she wanted storms..."     -Anna Akhmatova

   

lightning strikes over the water

one mississippi. 

two mississippi. 

thunder shakes the house

from the inside out 

the sky is illuminated 

            again

  and 

  again 

across the horizon

  the waves flash pink 

  from electricity 

sunset colors 

directly in front

  of you

                       of me

one mississippi . 

two mississippi .

three 

i felt it this time

  from the inside out 

completely inside of me. 

instant obsession

(black iris)

pleasant of sorts

wal-mart surpassed the 400 billion dollar profit mark last year. i think i might throw up. 

fear and loathing takes on new meanings 

welcome: strawberry season

the sun set pink just for you tonight 

driving a fire-apple red convertible down all sorts of lonely roads 

In My Dreams.

'how would horatio alger handle this situation?' 

'stay calm, stay calm'

the only thing i have ever hated:

My insomnia. 

passionately. 

http://kalman.blogs.nytimes.com/2009/05/28/at-ease/?em

i don't know i don't know i don't know 

Ontario in May

Toronto was floating and inverted yesterday:

and tonight, pristine calmness and pure clarity:

i went for a kayak ride along the shores, treasure hunting mercilessly at transparent depths. I could have continued on to the St. Lawrence, transfixed by surrounding beauty. Everything was so perfect. I'm looking forward to sustainable water temperatures and complete extended emersions. 

only wish: my girls were here to share this <38.

current praises: Steinbeck-Pastures of Heaven; Kipling-The Jungle Book

not so much: Edith Wharton-Summer

yournewgirlfriendlookslikeaT-rex

me:

swollen nose 

blacker circles

and

freshly cut little girl bangs

just to hide behind

fuck

you broke my heart 

it refuses to heal

fuck 

i still can't tell 

if this is real

I smelled summer in the air today, fresh as ever, with a hint of lilac. The light touches everything here so perfectly ((and i'm still scared of the dark)).

'Welcome home.'

waves roll in

"I missed you."

        and out again. 

'I'm sorry about the raft.'

        breathe deep 

"I'm [almost] over it."

exhale, release. 

it was really goodbye last time

wasn't it?

it is really goodbye this time 

isn't it?

fade from same                     enter change.

the vending machine rejected my dimes.

I'm in perfect focus

until it's all over...and then...

i don't want to revel in my youth 

I haven't grown up these years 

do you think you didn't too?

dreams are made of these

I hope Obama appoints a black lesbian (and Texas decides to join Mexico in revolt). 

tristeavril94 (9:13:10 PM): maybe the snow secretly gave me a lobotomy as it fell last night 

Zup931 (9:13:42 PM): probably, snow is tricky like that

last day of class

12.59 am. 

i come home,

reach into my bag for a lighter 

and i pull out a berry pie. 

story of my life.

 

sinus infection//fucking reflection

i'm making myself sick, i can feel it start in the back of my throat. phlegm: white then yellow. fade to green as you pretend the healing will be a clean ordeal. 

nostalgic for the days when i could at least feign not caring. now i don't even pretend this numeric-based system isn't my way to make up for all past, present, soon to occur failures. except right now i can feel my teeth rotting away from the roots, drip. drip. yellow to green, please heal. please let me do anything but feel.

dark circles under eyes. dig.

and i realize i don't have anything useful to say, all my words are currently encompassed in pages and pages of papers on papers. the end is ((not!)) in sight, but these distractions have turned my nights into quite the delight of manic highs and wishful (socialist) rants for my professors to smile at. 

"hang in there"

"keep grinding"

do you realize?

This is my revel.

i danced in the spring rain today. 

 

Do you think these papers will (n)ever make a difference in the world? no matter how many citations i conjure up even? perhaps there is some subliminal connection to their influence on my gpa that will later provide me with useful....stuff to supplement something that will allow me to further continue the capitalist development of...wait.   Shit..... 

fuck it, i still dig it. 

 blush under our sunglass lines

rip off artiste

((as read in MoTHeR Jones))

What starts with "f," ends in "k," and means "screw your workers"?   That's right-- 401(k).